Untitled Until Further Notice

Hello old friend,

I haven't visited you in what? A year? Oh how I've missed you, but then again, I didn't think I'd need you. I thought I was better. I thought I had it under control. But that's not realistic, you knew that. Nonetheless am I ready to put these thoughts onto paper.

I have to give myself credit based on the shit I've gone through this past year and a half. I need to remind myself to do that. I'm always so hard on myself. Thinking that I can't feel and act how I feel because I have to be better than those reckless thoughts. It's just I've built so much for myself, how could it not be natural to do so? I did it though. I was reckless for the first time in a long time.

You turned 23. Last sunday, you made it to 23 years on this earth. Holy shit, you old fuck. But you did it. Well, until those thoughts came running back. Those thoughts that are bigger than what you can handle. A huge battle that you didn't think would come your way, after all, things were going so well. But it did. Both your moms, gone. One you lost to an addiction, the other too selfish to care. I guess you could say they both had a selfish addiction that was more meaningful than having you in their life. You remembered that 23 years ago, you were left at the hospital. Motherless. Grew up to the age of 2. Motherless. And then you found her - someone that would mend you. Someone that would give you life again. But then again, everyone finds a reason bigger than you. Everyone leaves. And so did she. You witnessed and lived another 17 years, motherless. And then? Hope. Or whatever the fuck you refer to that now. But you had it, the glimpse of what it would be like to have a mother. Have someone healthy. You became close with her again. She seemed better.

Until she wasn't.

Her shit poured out , and you did to her what you never got. A mother's instinct. You nurtured her, built her back up when she was feeling oh so down. You knew how this went. You've done it 17 years before. You said the things that you wish you would hear from her. You're worth it. I am proud of you. Do what makes you happy, I support you.

And what did she do? Took you for granted. Took a piece of that hope and ran with it. Then you found out all the things that were left as little holes from your memory because you weren't old enough to put the pieces together. You didn't want to think that the only mother you've ever known was so much worse than who she presented herself to be all those years. You forgave her once, even without an apology. You gave her that second chance, you thought she changed. But those 3 years you let her in, she chose herself.

Of course she fucking did. Why would someone ever choose you? Your first set of parents didn't want you, what kind of naive girl are you?

Sunday, September 5th, I lost it. I did that whole shut down bullshit that I do because I can't process thoughts fast enough into feelings. And then I started crying. I cried and cried, and when I thought it was enough crying, it wasn't. Because I cried all over again. Shit, I needed it though. I hadn't cried like this since November last year. But I felt guilty because I was with him. Ah yes, the good man. I'll get to him later, but basically I do this thing where I don't like people to see my weak point. Especially romantically. Because then I don't look like I have my shit together. And all I have is my shit together. I built that shit for myself, and I was crying over some loser moms? God.

Well anyways, I did this whole communicating thing after I could get the words out of my stupid, mumbled mouth. I told him about how I was feeling, and what not. Took him through the whole journey of my past, which God, he knows so much about, and it scares the shit out of me because of it. Will revisit this thought later. But he did what a good man does, comforted me, reassured me, all the good things. And then fell asleep. While I was still processing all the thoughts and emotions that comes with abandonment.

I don't blame him for going to sleep - I was annoyed yes, because I wanted him to stay up with me until I was okay enough to go to bed, but I don't think I would've been even with that. Man, I wish I did what I'm doing now, I think this would've helped me out that day. I think it would've resolved a lot of things before the sun came up.

I called a few people, since I didn't think of you. Since I had become so used to not needing you. But of course, those outlets didn't satisfy me. So I went to his bed, back to my car, about 6 times. Before I started it, and drove back home. I didn't exactly know what to do with myself once I was alone. I hadn't ever been alone in a while with shit hitting the fan. I'm telling you, I haven't needed you since last year. That's why I thought I didn't need you anymore. Because a year had passed!

I went on my phone, watched some stupid videos. My eyes were already so salty, and it was 3 in the morning, I didn't have water or feelings to feel to cry anymore. Which is why I closed them, and went to sleep at 330. And yes - I wasn't an asshole, I texted him when I got back home. Told him I was safe and that I was going to spend the night out here. I had nothing left to cry about, so I thought it was over. The episode had passed. I didn't need to cry anymore. When I woke up, I'd be going to brunch and having a nice dinner with him. I didn't need to worry about the bad thoughts. So I went to sleep.

To my surprise, he was here. At 6 am that morning. He has a key, so he just climbed right into bed next to me. And I felt at ease. I felt like the night before was a daze and I would go into the day celebrating me.

I got to the table at brunch, and it was brought up about the night before. And I wasn't okay anymore. I blacked out. I blacked out for the first time since sophomore year of college. That was 3 years ago. I wasn't having a good time sober, so I did what I knew would absolutely work. Drank until I did feel anymore.

I was a fun time. I watched the videos and saw the pictures, I was having fun. Because I wasn't me. And then the fun turned into rage. And then into regret. I know how the cycle goes.

There it was. My weak point.

Not being strong enough to withstand reality sober. Fuck me.

I said a lot of things that I didn't want to say, didn't mean to say in that way, or wasn't ready to say. I made a fool out of myself to others, but mostly to me. I let myself down, and that's why it's been bugging me all week. More than a week! It's been a long time. Too long to be feeling this way.

I don't know why I didn't think of you sooner. Who better to know me, than you. Who better to help me cope, understand, acknowledge, but you? I'm sorry it took me this long to remember that you're all I've got at the end of each day. How absurd of me to neglect you. When shit gets tough, I need to remember that you got me. Now, I can't promise that a slip like this won't happen again, we both know that's not realistic. But I can promise you that I won't forget you. That you're all I have and that it's going to be okay.

I need to address and remember that it's a bad day, not a bad life. And that things won't change, if I can't move on. And I need to move on from a lot of things. I need to be happy. I deserve to be happy.

He helps, you know? He is such a good man. Sure, he's human, he's not perfect. I need to allow him in. Somehow, some way, because I'm struggling with it. I'm sure I could figure it out. I can't let him go. I love him, I really do.

I'm just happy that you crossed my mind. I will visit you soon, I still need to address some things. But I'm ready to move on from Sunday. Until next time,

xx