The Good Guy

Well, well. That didn't take much time, now did it? Last time I visited, it was 6 days ago.

The guy you were talking about? Yeah, he's no longer here. I mean, you knew this would happen, that's why you couldn't ever let him get too close. You let down some walls for him, but it was inevitable for it not to work out. You still have so much to do.

It's a process, for sure. He's still kind of present, you're just deciding whether or not to do what you usually do, to protect yourself from more lies, more heartache. But a part of you has learned from him that it's okay to talk about things. Well, it has been changing a lot since Sunday - what is it with Sundays this month? He said a lot of hurtful things to you. Someone you shared so much time with. Developed with. Went on adventures with. Did life for the past 6 months with. And he used all your insecurities, those closed doors against you. You didn't say much, because it was such a shock that someone you loved, someone that was supposed to be different, could do so much damage in a short time. And it was. A short time that he changed his mind. But maybe he's been thinking that it wouldn't work out - just like your own thoughts.

Sunday was an eye opener for you. It showed you that even the good guy, also isn't good. But there were flags you chose to ignore. I'm not blaming you. I'm just stating this because you need to know better. It wasn't going to work - you were forcing it. You weren't ready like you thought you were. Remember, if it's being forced, it's not yours.

The inevitable happens because you aren't as ready as you want to be. But you also know that there isn't a time where you could EVER be ready. It's just not the right timing? Guy? When do you know?

Anyways, you went about this relationship having so many differences. First of all, he wasn't even your type. Looks don't really matter, I know you were trying something different, but also he was very, very different personality wise. He was social, but not the social you usually do. The kind of social that he needs in order to thrive. He was never alone, and neither were you. Yes, you had time together, but because of his friends, you always felt like you were taking away from them, taking away from yourself. That's not his fault, it's what he knows. But it got to you so many times. That was a hot topic. He was a drinker. You know how you feel about when they need something to survive. A substance. He kept telling you he was so much worse before meeting you, and that being in his life has made him subside a lot of that urge. But mixing that in with his friends, it was always an issue. You knew it, and wanted him to change for you. You wanted him to change for him, but you can't do that. Only he can do that, and he never really wanted to. You saw it time and time again.

If only you did something sooner. But let's move along.

Some topics arose later. And you soon found out the influences behind those arguments. He didn't have the same values as you. Sure, you're open minded, but he wasn't. He liked to debate, you liked to talk. He asked and you answered. But you didn't like the way he made you feel when he would shut you down right away. You didn't like to talk about abortion, black lives matter, racism, politics. But even more so with him. He seemed like he was making you feel wrong for feeling that way. He didn't ever give you a chance.

Backgrounds have had a major toll on the relationship. You, well, you're so different. You had a rough childhood. You had a rough adulthood. You've been through so much. And he, well. He was raised right. Privileged, in a sense. And he could never relate or empathize with you. Not that you were looking for that, but you were looking for something more. It felt like a burden every time you'd bring it up. And the thing is, you didn't even tell him everything. He'd always agree when you said that "it's too much." That never satisfied you, so how could you be comfortable enough to share all of you?

But what would? If not being open with your partner, then what?

He's immature you know. He doesn't have life experience like you've had. He was on the high spectrum of life, he has so much to be grateful for. And I guess yes, you were upset every time he'd lose himself in alcohol, because you didn't see the point of him needing it. What are you escaping from? If you're so happy, why need a drink?

That's the thing. It was never just a drink, it was until he felt something. And you wanted to be that something for him. So he wouldn't have to drink anymore. Or at least just drink a few, where he was just using it for fun. You felt like you always have, a vessel.

Someone to have around until you don't need it anymore.

And I'm tired of being that. I have so much on my plate still. I can't handle another person, because I'm still handling myself. Just as I hate being a vessel, I am not someone's project.

Besides the bad, of course there was good. You loved laughing with him. You loved going and seeing different places. You loved meeting his family. Collecting memories and living in the moment. Which, you need to do more of. Live in the moment. It's okay to not think of what could happen later, sometimes be reckless enough to do what makes you happy now.

He wasn't the one, and that's okay. You're sad because it's another disappointment, but don't look at it like that. You're learning. I know you're tired of that too. But you're still discovering yourself. You have to be okay with that. It's the life process. And that doesn't mean you can't discover yourself with a partner, but you do need to recover from some of those things that have hurt you. Life is too short for that. You deserve to be happy. Remember that.

And if it's no longer making you happy, don't settle for less. Let it go.

So now you have to think about what you want to do. I think you want to see him. Let this be something to grow from, not hide from. You don't have to protect yourself if it is going to help you grow. Say what you need to say, and hear what needs to be heard. Don't forget how he made you feel when he decided to leave, but be open to an opportunity for future you. You got this.

I'll see you soon.

xx