The Unknown

Hello old friend

I've been holding back on writing on here for quite some time now. Not because I've had nothing to write about - cuz lets face it - my world is chaotic all the time; but more so I would find myself in a dark space. And as good as I am at keeping that demon away, I couldn't get out of it for a while. I found myself talking about the things that hurt me most. Revisting the guilt and the hatred, animosity that I had towards myself. The downpour of negative thoughts. And though I don't like to talk about faith (because I like to write freely with no labels), I found my way back to Him. And since allowing Him to take control, I've found myself in a much better place. Like who would've known that's what it would take to be truly happy? Well okay. Let's not get too ahead of myself. Because I'm not that confident just yet, but I'm content. I actually feel like I have purpose. I always thought I knew what I would do with my life. How I would go about living the way that I would want - but the part of doubt within me (the part that I didn't want to admit was right) - it changed my perspective completely. 

I have no boundaries. I have set no expectations of myself. I have completely let go and let God. I'm not so hard on myself now, because I've seen my worth. And that's a huge step for me. I would think that that's a huge acceptance for anyone. I think about my future now, in a way of "there's always a reason". I would religiously say "whatever happens, happens for a reason" and I'm finally seeking to that advice. I've become comfortable with it. Which is odd for me to say because I am a planner and a perfectionist. It isn't in my DNA to go with the flow of things and let it all fall into place. But it's like - I can be in control without allowing myself to get out of control when things don't necessarily go as I plan. I can surely tell you that I would not have seen myself moving back home. That's for one. And I can CONFIDENTALLY say that I would never have thought that I would be running my own business at the age of 21. Because that would mean coming out of my comfort zone. And I like comfort. I like security. 

But thats the beauty of letting go of what I know, and letting God. Now I don't want this to be a preaching thing about religion. But you don't have to have a God to have faith. You can be whatever you want and still have faith. Have faith within yourself to take leaps of it. Trust the process. Because a path that ends, leads to another path. 

Now I'm metaphorically speaking obviously, because technically if you run out of sidewalk, then you're left with grass, the open road, or some gravel - but that's your opportunity. You won't just stop walking because you ran out of sidewalk, you're going to go into the unknown.

You're going to jump into that grass. You're going to dance in that open road. You're going to skip the rocks in the gravel. Why stay on the sidewalk when there's different things to travel on and explore? How do you expect to know what you like if you don't try out the unknown?

Faith. You gain the confidence within you to form faith. And you JUMP. Tiptoeing is fine too, because eventually you become comfortable. And since I'm full of metaphors tonight, it's like a pool. You can either jump into it and put your body in shock, but quickly immune yourself to the new temperature, or you dip your feet in, then slowly your body, and eventually you're emerged into your new surrounding. You adapted to it. And then you're ready to swim. 

Both have the same end goal - you had enough faith within yourself to get to where you wanted to be. But for me? I've been used to the girl slowly getting comfortable. I want to be the girl that canon balls. 

I would say I'm the girl that is hesitant to jump in at first because I'm not sure how cold it's going to be, but tells her to be quiet and jumps anyways. 

Progress. lol. 

I just know that whatever road I'm on right now, is something great. And I'm ready to take it head on. 

xx