The Early Texts

Hey there,

I guess I like to visit often now. No shame in it, but I'm still struggling? I put a question mark there because I haven't felt sad in a while (meaning since the last time I was here). But I went through old texts. Apple products are dumb and don't realize that if I have deleted and blocked someone on my phone, that the same needs to happen on my computer.

There they were. Last message sent May 13. Thankfully, there wasn't anything after that, since I know feelings and routines only got stronger from that point on. But, you read them. How could you not? You were curious to see what it was like in the beginning stages and compare it to how you felt in those last moments.

It was different. It was light. It felt good to know at that point, he hadn't known that much about you. You also didn't have such negative thoughts during those times. I don't know why you feel that the more you share with your partner, the more negative thoughts you need to have. It shouldn't be like that. But I also just think it's because deep down you knew back then too. That he wasn't the same as you. Wasn't your equal. So the stronger the feelings got, meant knowing those parts of you, meant having comfortability with him. It meant that he would know all of you and that would scare him. That meant he would leave, so you let your thoughts do the deciding for you.

Don't blame yourself, please. He wasn't your equal. He had shit to work on too. But don't blame him either. Because if you're going to be with someone, you have to do your own shit. You also have to be healed.

Repetition is key, I'm merely reminding you that you need to do the work. I don't know what that means, because you're currently going through it, but do the work.

You ordered a self healing book and have a journal coming tomorrow. Read the book. Stop procrastinating it. Get another perspective on life, and really go into it with an open mind. Write in your journal often. Reflect on what you have been through. Talk about the things that you don't talk about with other people. Only you will truly understand what it was like to go through it, because you went through it. Other people have not. And yes, though you've shared those experiences, trauma, with others, it isn't the work you need to do. You need to write those things on paper, get all those thoughts out, read it, and reread it again until YOU feel sane. Until you feel okay with yourself. Until YOU can make your own perspective on the world and the life you want to live.

Because it's in there. You've had happiness before. As fucked up as life has been to you, you have experienced some happiness. But now instead of having moments of it, live the life that you deserve. The happiness that you ever so desire. Run with that shit. The life before now was given to you as a lesson, it has made you who you are. It has given you the opportunity to rise above everything that has tried to take you down. I mean, you're still here, aren't you? You've come this far, haven't you? So take today and every day as they come to grow from it, and live happily.

It's going to be hard. I'm sure of it, but if you do the trauma work, I mean really do it, then you can have that. I know you want it for yourself, so fucking do it for you. Do what makes you happy. Create a beautiful life.

On other matters, I do want to follow up with the good guy. You didn't respond, but instead blocked him. You just needed time to yourself to think about what you would want to do, and not have his responses get in the way of what you really wanted. You thought about others' opinions, but when it came down to it, you chose you.

And I am so proud of you for that. It's not childish and it's not immature, and it certainly doesn't mean that it will stunt your personal growth if you decided to never speak to him again, because at the end of the day, you chose you. What was best for you. You decided that. And that is something to be happy about.

Above all else, above everyone else, you made the decision to do what you wanted to do. Please reread that. I am so fucking happy that you took that step. You validated yourself. You got closure for yourself, and that my love, is growth.

Please, choose you every time. You wake up in this body. You travel with these thoughts. You live with these decisions. So choose you every time. I love you, as hard as it may seem to hear and write that, I do.

Now, let's get to this healing process.

xx