To the Man with the Ring: Thank You

I like to think that we are given many opportunities to reborn ourselves. If you're thinking of the religious point of view, that's definitely one way -- but I am talking about the chapters of our lives. Ending a door and opening a new one. A whole different perspective and path you didn't even think about taking at another point in your life. Perhaps you found yourself leaving a home you lived in for years, or realized your love for Europe. Each of our revivals are different, nonetheless, beautifully masked fears awaiting our grasp.

Mine was now.

I wanted to first say that, I love the person that I was with, and will always have that love for him. Always. And that in no way shape or form is this writing meant to bash who he is as a person or what we had as a "waste of time". I have no regrets about how this life was meant to happen. This is just how it ended up playing out. No burdens, no grudges. I left knowing that I loved as hard as I could, and that it was okay to outgrow a partner. It's okay to outgrow any relationship.

I had the thought enter my mind last year. I call it a thought, because it was merely an idea, until I acted upon it. And I never did, well, during that time. Now you may be wondering, what triggered it. And the answer: a lot of things. My fear of spending the rest of my life with the wrong person, the unspoken things, my age - being young and not experiencing life to its fullest, losing out on connections I could have with different souls. It was a mixture of fears and regrets. The unknown. I want to say that I was scared of the commitment; it would be easier to explain to everyone who asks "what happened?", that "I just got cold feet." It wasn't that I didn't want the commitment forever, it was that it wasn't right.

The natural feeling of love is undeniable. It is light and free. I felt it a couple times in my life, but never with him. It always felt forced. A feeling that I so badly wanted with him, but could never get to that point. Of course, there were different factors that led to this feeling, but when you know, you know. No doubts in sight, no fears, just purity.

If I was meant to marry him, fate wouldn't have led me elsewhere. I am a firm believer in what happens, happens the way its supposed to. You can try to go against fate, but it will never work. It will always find its way to the rightful path. Let it do its thing.

But yes. I did talk to him. I tried to make things work for a very, very long time. But he had demons of his own. From previous loves, I know that when one is trapped by themselves, there is no way that I can save them. They have to save themselves. Though I loved every part of him, I couldn't stay in a situation that was not healthy for myself. I chose him every time, and lost myself along the way. The decision I made was selfish, because that at the very least, is what I deserve. I had to realize that I come first before anyone.

I want to thank the man with the ring. For the time that we spent together. You have taught me how to be open. That it is okay to remove the walls I built for myself from those before. That with the right touch, I can bloom like a flower in the first signs of spring. I thank you for being my first lover to roommate with; showing me that living with a partner can be oh so difficult, but a sleepover that never ends. You have been the most patient, and the most loving out of them all. I thank you for equipping me with the lessons I will carry throughout my journey, and I thank you for giving me this opportunity to start over. To love myself whole - heartedly and to choose me.