The Inevitable

I don't know what it is about drives at night - but it always seems to clear my mind. The windows down (though, it has gotten super hot here in Arizona; even at 10 pm), a playlist going; and recently, driving with no destination. Which is absurd because I always need to know where I am going. But. Driving with no expectations is a positive release. I'm not looking at my phone, worrying if I missed the turn and getting aggravated because I can't see the exits, or the slow drivers. I focus on the open road. I wish I could be one of those people that turn on and off their minds when things get too clouded. It seems a lot more simpler that way. But I've come to terms with how my mind works.

Because it's a part of me.

I used to be closed off to the world. So bitter. Numb. I would get drunk almost every moment I could just to forget what I was going through. I didn't want to feel. Because when you don't feel; you can't get hurt. I sometimes wonder if I can go back into that person. The person who didn't give a fuck. It was so easy for me to cut off people before they got too close. I didn't allow it to happen. You can't get hurt. It was as if I could escape the inevitable.

It always catches up to you.

It took a long ass time to find myself again. When I did, I allowed love back in. It still fucked me over, but it has fed the person I am today. Don't get me wrong, I am nowhere I want to be, but I am so much better than who I was 3 years ago. Maybe even before then. You see, I've always let men control me. Define me. Creating this illusion of what they wanted me to be. But why change something that isn't broken?

When I would speak my mind, it was the same thing:

You're being irrational

That doesn't make any sense, you're overthinking

You're not thinking straight, it's all in your head

Honestly, you're overreacting because that's not it at all

As if I was wrong for feeling a certain way. Like my feelings aren't valid. It was never trying to understand where I was coming from. Or wanting to know why I feel hurt. I guess I just expected them to grasp the concept of why I reacted rather than how I reacted.

And that's okay. Life is just one big learning experience, and we grow because of it. My focus right now is on me and what I want. The lesson of loving myself - which is hard to do completely, but not impossible. I just know that I'm not seeking self love in another person. And that when the right person comes along, he will add to that self love.

Nonetheless, I know that what I deserve is simple. And the reason it hasn't worked with these other men is because of the inevitable.

xx