The Apartment Search: Unplanned Move

After saying the words: "I don't love him" aloud for the world to hear, it was clear on what I needed to do next. I always felt it, but never could form it into words. I guess being around my sisters does that -- allows me to be open with even the darkest fears I cannot explain. I also just didn't want anyone to have control over this situation; I wanted to be my only influence. After all, breaking an engagement is a big deal. Or at least to me it is.

The silence for the months that turned into years, had finally broken the night of the bachelorette party. We actually decided last minute that we wanted to have the party on Monday, the day before I would be leaving. Which I can't stop thinking about. Anyways. Besides the unspoken things that happened that night, the realization that this party was for me hit hard. A celebration of what would soon be marriage. AND THAT scared the shit out of me. Guests asked me: "why are you getting married so young?" "how do you know that he is the one?", I felt the shrug of my shoulders. "He treats me well", I would mumble. Not knowing what to say when people asked, was an answer in its own. I didn't even want to have the party, and when my sister told me there were going to be men there, even more so I didn't want to go. Imagine. A bride not showing up to her own bachelorette party. HA. Revolutionary. Obviously I went because it was already planned, but I was dreading it entirely. Remember that thing about fate? Well yeah, if I cancelled, I wouldn't have met him. The boy that put my mind at ease.

He'll be introduced at some point, but not right now.

After a night of unanswered questions, only one was answered. Can you spend the rest of your life with him? My heart and my mind agreed. But what were my next steps? I knew what I needed to do, but we had plans set once I got back.

Here's a little background story. When my grandma passed in December, it was clear that I needed to go to the funeral. She was the light of my childhood, and I loved her dearly. She was a huge part on who I am as a person. So of course, I booked my ticket. My ex had wanted to go, but besides the expense of the ticket (my family lives back in Hawaii, so tickets are not cheap by any means), something told me I needed to go alone. What followed next was bizarre. In January, my ex was let go, and I had wanted to cancel the flights to stay back and work instead. But then, I was let go. I was devastated, but knew going home and being around family would help alleviate this stress. My ex, lets call him blue. Blue and I decided that once I got back, we would be relocating states. Colorado was miserable. There was no culture, no future for us, and definitely wasn't home. We spoke to our leasing office and had broken our lease early. All we had left was my trip.

I had to decide. The easy route would have been that I was away from him for too long and that I wasn't thinking straight; that the pressure from everyone else was weighing down on me. But that would've been a lie. The six days that I was away from him, I didn't miss him. I was okay without him, living my life and actually happy. This was the first time I was without him after two years, my mind was as clear as it has ever been. I had a 10 hour travel day back home to think about what I needed to say, how I needed to say things, and figure out what to do after the talk. I was so confused with my emotions and how fast things were happening, but I knew what needed to be done. I didn't love him. I couldn't marry him. It needed to be over.

The moment I saw him, I had no feelings. No I miss you butterflies. I guess, I was already so emotionally detached, that it was just a matter of time. Once we got home, I went straight into the shower to recollect my thoughts. What the fuck are you doing. What are you going to say. I began to think about if I would be able to go through with it. But I had to do it. There was no way I could move with him the next day and start another chapter. DON'T BE A PUSSY.

I would like to say that we had a mature conversation. That it was quick and painless. It certainly didn't go as planned, but then again, what does? I won't go into detail, but the main thing is, I got my point across and I actually did it. You never really know how much weight you've been carrying until you're set free. And in that moment, I was as light as air.

Now it was back to what the fuck I was going to do. I had thought about continuing to Nevada, since I had a job and apartment aligned there. But I didn't want to be that secluded. So of course, I came back to the life I created before Blue. I came back home to Arizona.

The roadtrip here was long and emotional, but riveting all at the same time. It was a breath of fresh air, because I had nothing but an open road and a playlist to accompany me. I was finally on my own and could gain my independence. Be my own person. I felt on top of the world. But there were times where I felt lonely. Nights were rough. One of the hotels I stayed in really broke me. It was a shithole in the middle of nowhere. Smelled of dust and cigarettes. I cried for the first 30 minutes of checking into my room. It was the first time I had cried since the talk. It hit me all at once that I was alone. How do you do this after being in routine for two years? I am also a planner, and this whole thing was not planned. It was all rushed, and though I don't regret anything, it was hitting me that I had no control over the situation. I didn't have a plan for where to go after this hotel. When I realized that I didn't have something set in place, it just got to me. I've planned everything up until now; and now I was lost.

After hysterically crying on the phone with my mom, she reassured me that it was okay to have help (I'm stubborn and hate receiving help). That I should go home and live with my dad for a little. Recollect myself and debrief. Also organize the mess of a car that I was living out of for the past three days that I was traveling. I was so scatter - brained that I didn't mind the thought of the mountains and the nothingness that was up there. So I came to the town I never wanted to return to. Funny how that works.

Being here, and away from the chaos has made the transition smoother than it would've been jumping right into life again. It allowed me not only to get a job and a place to live aligned, but it's been calming to my mental health. I have been taking care of another person for so long, that I had forgotten to take care of myself. Don't get me wrong, the transition from being constantly busy to doing nothing for two weeks has been a struggle, but I've come to accept it as a blessing. I have taken this time to self - reflect and process what all had happened. I'm in a good head space now. I can do anything. I’m my own motivation.

Life happens the way it's supposed to. And I know that now. I'm not going to force anything that isn't natural. I won't go out of my way to create and plan a path I am not meant to take. This includes relationships and love itself. It will always feel right. It will be easy and it will fall into place.

xx